


Addicted to You

by fangirlfiction



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, F/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 12:58:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14497485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlfiction/pseuds/fangirlfiction
Summary: The reader and Bucky broke up, but they just can't quit each other.Smut, 18+





	1. Chapter 1

You reach behind you to pull the man dancing with you closer, his breath on your neck lighting your nerve endings on fire. You sway your hips with his in time to the beat, a light sheen of sweat covering both of you. Whether it was from the crowded club or the flush of arousal, you didn’t know. The man nudges your head to the side, his lips seeking out the pulse point on your neck, and you suppress a moan at the sensation. You felt him lift his head, so you turn towards him slightly, catching his eye. He nods his head in the direction of the bathroom, and your devious grin was the only answer he needs.

He grabs your hand and pulls you towards the bathrooms, passing them in favor of a darker hallway nearby. As soon as you are both clear from the prying eyes of your fellow clubgoers, the man shoves you against the wall, lips instantly connecting with yours in a fiery kiss. It’s all passion and pent up emotion, teeth clacking and tongues fighting for dominance. He nudges your legs apart with his knee, pressing his thigh between your legs and drawing out a moan. You reach down and palm his erection over his jeans, silently cursing the layers of clothing that separates you two.

The man pulls back to allow you to catch your breath, the movement of his leg continuing to drive you towards the edge as you slip your hand past his waistband to grab him. Your foreheads rest together, breaths mingling, as you both pant and moan in the dark hallway.

You gasp out between moans, “Why can’t I fucking quit you, Bucky?”

Bucky doesn’t reply, instead choosing to grip your hips and grind you down onto his thigh harder, pushing you over the edge with a release that leaves you lightheaded. As you catch your breath, he kisses you again, just as fiery as before. He pulls back and whispers, “Come home with me.”

You nod in agreement, against your better judgement, and Bucky leads you through the club and into the cool New York night, ushering you towards a cab before you have time to regret your decision.

*

It only took another two weeks for you to make things messier.

You glance at the alarm clock on the table beside your bed, suppressing a sigh when you see the bright red display.

2:16 a.m.

You lift the bottle of vodka to your lips and take another swig, wincing at the burn in your throat. You lean back and sprawl out on your bed, mind replaying moments with Bucky. The events at the club, and after, were replaying in your mind relentlessly. Bucky’s hands on your body as you danced. Riding his thigh in the hallway of the club. The roaming hands in the taxi on the way to his apartment.

Waking up alone.

You shake the last thought out of your head and focus on the arousal that burns low in your abdomen, mixing with the alcohol. Your hand slips into the waistband of your panties and you begin touching yourself, stopping a few minutes later, unsatisfied. You reach for your phone, pausing briefly to consider your actions. The ache between your legs quickly makes the decision for you, and you pull up the message thread with Bucky’s name, ignoring the string of unanswered texts. Slipping your hand into the waistband of your panties again, you quickly snap a picture and send it to Bucky, writing only I miss you.

You wait for a response for 10 agonizing minutes, regret building with every passing second. After checking your phone for what felt like the 100th time since you sent the photo, you huff out of frustration and decide to finish things off yourself before crying yourself to sleep like you had the last few months.

You push your panties down your legs and kick them to the side before spreading your legs wide. You start to touch yourself again, eyes shut tight and thinking of Bucky. His erection pressing into your back when you were dancing. His low moans from you touching him in the hallway. His moan when he entered you later that night, broken and low. The sound of your name falling from his lips as he pushes you both to the edge. Your breathing quickens and you let out a moan as you start to near the edge again. The sound of a breathy moan that’s not your own causes you to sit up with a jolt, eyes flying open and looking around wildly.

Bucky stands in the doorway of your bedroom, pants pushed low as he touches himself. “Don’t stop now,” he growls out, and you whimper at the sight. With your elbows propped up on the bed, you reach between your legs and continue your earlier movements, eyes locked on Bucky’s. Both of your gasps and moans fill the too quiet bedroom, and soon you are tumbling over the edge, loudly moaning Bucky’s name.

You barely have time to catch your breath before you feel his weight moving up the bed. His lips crash onto yours, and his hand moves to your throat, squeezing lightly, leaving you breathless. You can feel the weight of Bucky’s arousal pressing into your stomach and you moan at the feeling. Unable to wait any longer, you sit up and push him down into a kneeling position. Moving to straddle him, you sink onto him, both of you moaning at the sensation. His hands find your hips, holding you in place as he thrusts into you. Curse words fall from your lips as you near the edge, and Bucky’s hand slips between your bodies to push you there faster. You come with a silent scream, Bucky’s broken moan following right behind.

Bucky waits for you to catch your breath before easing you back onto the bed, and he moves off the bed quickly, disappearing into your bathroom. He returns moments later with a damp washcloth in his hand, and when he hands it to you, your throat starts to close with emotion, shocked by the affectionate gesture. Bucky must see it in your face, because his pants are on and he’s out the door before you can even thank him.

*

Your boots click on the floor of the empty hallway, your mind distracted as you run through your list of things you need to do before your mission in two days. Lost in your own world, you miss the quiet swish of an office door opening on your left. Your mind only returns to the present when a hand grabs your wrist and yanks you through the door. You barely have enough time to register Bucky’s face before his lips connect with yours, his hands immediately slidding down the back of your legs, encouraging you to wrap them around him. With your legs securely locked around him, he kicks the office door closed and presses your back into it, trapping you in place.

The hunger you have for each other grows with every passing second and soon your hands are roaming each other’s bodies. Bucky moves back from the door to lower you onto the desk, his lips never leaving yours. You feel the cool metal of his fingers unzip your top and graze your skin, sending shivers down your spine. The reaction brought your brain back to reality and you wrench your mouth from Bucky’s before pushing him away slightly.

“No, no. I can’t do this anymore, Bucky! I can’t keep sleeping with you, only to have you disappear right after.”

Bucky looks at you with confusion. “I thought you-“ He cuts himself off, temporarily lost in thought. “You know I can’t be in a relationship.”

The feel a memory bubbling to the surface, but you push it down and give him a serious look. “And I can’t be some casual hook up.”

Bucky’s brows furrow slightly as he asks, “So, that’s it then?”

You sigh. “I guess so.”

You watch as Bucky’s jaw clenches before he steps away from you and stalks out of the door, slamming it behind him as he leaves. You take a shaky breath before standing and straightening your clothes, hoping you don’t look like you just had the most intense make out session of your life. You exit the office a moment later and you’re nearly to the end of the hall when you see Tony rounding the corner up ahead. He pauses when he sees you.

“Oh, perfect timing. I was going to send you a memo, but since you’re here, I’ll tell you now.”

“Tell me what?”

“Your mission on Friday is with the Tin Can.”

You feel your breath leave your lungs in a rush. “With Bucky?”

Tony gives you a look of mock confusion. “Oops, that’s what I said isn’t it?”

You let out a quick laugh, “Ha, yeah.”

Tony gives you a weird looking, eyes running over your disheveled appearance. “Everything alright?”

You quickly compose yourself and give him a too bright smile. “Everything is fine, Tony! Thanks for letting me know.”

You brush by him quickly and one thought runs through your head on a loop:

_Everything is going to get a lot worse._


	2. Addicted to You, pt. ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader  
> Warnings: Mild swearing, mentions of blood, some smut. 18+ only!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The much awaited part two has arrived!!! Please let me know what you think!

You can cut the tension in the Quinjet with a knife.

Judging from the glances Bucky keeps throwing your way, he is still mad about your previous make out session and how things ended. Again. After another annoyed glance from Bucky, you sigh. “Could you please stop with the looks? I get it, you don’t want to be here with me. I know we hate each other, so let’s just finish this and be done.”

Bucky looks at you with confusion.  “I don’t hate you.”

You unbuckle the harness keeping you in place beside him and stand. “Save it. I’ll be in the back, let me know when it’s time to land.”

*

You grab a bag of gear from the back of the rental car, huffing as you pull it onto your shoulder. Bucky is ahead of you, the keys to the room of the motel jingling in his hands as he walks. He reaches the door a moment before you, and he twists the key in the lock before pushing the door open with his boot.  As the door swings open, you both groan in annoyance.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Bucky mutters, eyes focused on the single queen bed situated in the middle of the room.

You roll your eyes and drop the bag inside. “I’ll sort it out.”

Bucky grabs your wrist before you can walk away but drops it again when you glare at his hand. “You can’t. There’s nothing to sort out. Clerk said we were lucky cause it’s his last room. The party at the castle has everything booked for miles.”

“Great,” you huff. “Honestly, just perfect.”

You grab clothes from your personal bag, stopping to turn to Bucky. “You should get some rest before the party this evening. We’re gonna be up for a while.”

Bucky nods, but says nothing as you turn and walk into the bathroom.

An hour later, you’re standing in front of the mirror, brushing the knots from your hair, attempting to stifle a yawn. You knew the mission was going to be a long one; the party started at 8 p.m. and was expected to last until sunrise. Deciding that a few hours of sleep would also do you some good, you emerge from the bathroom and into the now dark motel room. The curtains on the windows prevent most of the light from coming in, leaving the room in a hazy darkness. You glance at the silhouette of the bed, eyes making out Bucky’s form, and you stand there debating where to sleep, until his voice interrupts you. “Stop overthinking it and come sleep in the bed.”

“Fine.” You walk over to the bed and slide in beside him, careful to keep distance between you. You’re asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow.

*

A few hours later, your eyes snap open, sure that you heard a sound. You stay still for a few minutes but hear nothing, and you start to drift off again when you realize Bucky’s head is on your pillow, and his arm is thrown over your waist. You turn slightly to look at him, eyes focusing on the face that’s turned into your pillow. You keep still, debating what to do, as Bucky’s breathing shifts the hair near your cheek.

A muffled voice breaks the silence. “I can hear you thinking.” He turns from the pillow and towards you, eyes focusing on yours.

“Sorry,” you whisper.

He reaches up and brushes some of your hair off your face, the metal of his fingers cooling the heat of your embarrassment. He lifts his head and moves towards you slowly, giving you time to stop him. He presses his lips to yours softly, and you melt into him. You push your fingers into his hair, sighing when his fingers draw shapes on the skin near your waist. He pulls away and you both look at each other, eyes having a silent conversation, asking if this is okay. You pull him towards you again and give him access into your mouth. He rolls over until he’s hovering above you, before he reaches down to pull off your shirt, eyes never leaving yours. He stares at your bare chest, leaning down to press kisses on your newly exposed skin. Bucky’s movements are slow. Deliberate. And you nearly burst from anticipation when he finally pushes inside of you, eyes locked on yours as he thrusts into you. Affection blooms in your chest as your climax builds, and there’s something different about falling over the edge this time. Bucky leans down and presses another kiss to your lips before rolling over and taking you with him, your head settling on his chest as both of your breathing slows. The last thing you remember before falling asleep is Bucky threading his fingers through yours.

*

The loud ringing of your phone pulls you from sleep. You jump in surprise and fumble for the phone, answering without looking. “Hello?”

“Why do you sound like that? Are you sleeping? Where is Barnes? You’re supposed to be getting ready!”

You lie easily, “Tony, can we play 20 questions later? I’m not sleeping, I’m just trying to get ready.”

“Fine. Call me before the gala.”

*

Bucky pulls up to the castle and gives the keys to the valet before helping you from the car. The ride to the castle was quiet, the earlier event hanging in the air but remaining undiscussed.

He offers you his arm, and you take it, trying to ignore the tension between you. He escorts you up the stairs and into the castle, both of you keeping an eye on the Hydra agents around you.

You count the guards as you pass them, leaning over to whisper in Bucky’s ear, “20 guards, all armed. Surveillance cameras every 15 feet. No blind spots.”

Bucky pulls away with a laugh, pretending you told him a joke. He grabs two glasses of champagne from a passing waiter, and leans down to reply, “You know what to do then. Server room is in the West Wing, and the intel is in the East Wing. We’ll meet back here.”

You kiss his cheek and whisper, “Be careful.”

He squeezes your hand before turning and walking away, leaving you to wander towards the West Wing as innocently as possible. You finally reach the hallway to the server room, devoid of any guests. Your heels echo on the stone floors, making stealth impossible. You keep your pace slow, pretending to search for a bathroom.

You know you’re in the right place when you round a corner and see a door blocked by two stoic guards. They glance at you as you approach, and you giggle and move closer. “Are you two lovely men guarding the bathroom?”

One of them starts to reply, but you shock him with the bracelet on your wrist before swiping your legs towards the other man, knocking him to the ground and leaving him unconscious. You take his gun and keys and unlock the door, before taking out two more guards. You activate the comms in your ear as you move towards the computers. “Server room secure, disabling the cameras now. Standby.”

You run the code for the cameras, disabling them one by one. You raise your head when you hear a commotion in the hall, and one glance outside reveals a group of Hydra agents closing in on you. “Shit.”

You slam the door closed and push a nearby filing cabinet in front of it just as Bucky questions, “What? What’s going on?”

You run back to the computer, typing quickly and working to disable the remaining cameras. Something slams into the door, causing a loud thud, and you jump in fear. The slamming continues and you type faster as Bucky asks, “Talk to me, what’s going on?”

“Hydra agents knocking on my door.”

You hear Bucky cock his gun. “I’m coming to get you.”

“No! The cameras are disabled, and we only have a 2 minute window. You have to go now.”

“Fine.”

You hear Bucky kick a door in as the pounding on the door in front of you grows louder. Your voice is laced with anxiety when you mutter, “Bucky, this door isn’t going to hold.”

“I’m almost done.”

The door starts to splinter and your voice shakes as you repeat, “Bucky this door isn’t gonna hold, and I don’t have enough ammo to take them out.”

Bucky’s voice is soft when he replies, “Hey, it’s okay.  I’m gonna draw them away.”

And as soon as the words leave his mouth, an explosion rings out on the other side of the building. It’s powerful enough to shake the entire castle. The banging on the door stops and you hear the agents retreat, but Bucky is suspiciously quiet. “Bucky, what the hell was that? Are you okay?”

You hear gunshots through the comms and a grunted reply, “I’m okay. Threw a grenade.”

“I’m coming to you, stay put!”

You push the file cabinet from the door, knocking it over, before throwing the door open and running into the hall. The sound of screaming and gunshot grows louder as you get closer to the main hall, and people push past you as they stampede towards the exit. You shove between them and struggle closer to Bucky as he speaks up in your ear. “We need to talk about last night.”

More gunshots. “Now?!”

Bucky grunts, and you hear someone cry out in pain in the background. “Yeah, I mean. Why not?”

“Because you’re in the middle of a gunfight and I’m trying to reach you?”

“Reality is, you’re on the other side of castle, trying to fight through hundreds of scared party goers. You’re not getting here in time. And I want to tell you that I don’t regret it.  Last night, I mean. Or any night before that.”

You pause in the middle of the crowd, caught off guard. “What are you saying?”

“That I’m stupid for walking out on you two days ago and I’m stupid for letting you walk out six months ago. I should’ve fought for you. For us.”

“I thought you couldn’t be in a relationship, Bucky.”

You hear grunting and more gunshots. “I didn’t mean that. I said it because I was scared.”

“Of?”

“How much I love you. And how much I want to be with you. I couldn’t stop thinking that I don’t deserve you, and I thought it would be easier to pick fights with you and make you leave. I was so scared you’d wake up 10 years down the road and realize you deserve more than me.”

“Bucky…I would never do that. You have to know that.”

“I do. Having you reject me 2 days ago because I wasn’t committing to you made me realize that you’re not like that.” You hear a groan before he mutters, “I want to be with you.”

You start pushing through the crowd with more force than before, desperate to reach him. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that.”

The crowd finally starts to thin, and you break free and make it into the East Wing hallway, your heels clacking as you run to Bucky. “I’m almost there! Hang on.”

You don’t even register Bucky’s silence. Or the quiet of the hallway. You round a corner and see the blasted ruins of one of the walls, smoke rising up from the grenade site. Farther down the hall you see a torn open door, the wood splintered and broken, and you run towards it, sure that Bucky is inside. When you reach the doorway, you pause, shock overtaking you. There are bodies everywhere, all Hydra agents, all unmoving. You scan the room for Bucky, fear rising within you when you don’t see him at first. On second glance you see his boots peeking out from behind a long wooden desk. You rush forward, sliding in blood, before you reach him. You drop down onto your hands and knees, eyes searching his body for injuries. There’s blood all over his tux, the white shirt beneath his jacket stained red. You finally see the bullet holes in his stomach and you feel bile rise up in your throat.

“No, no, no, no, no.” You reach up and touch his face as you try to slow the bleeding with the other hand. “Hey Bucky, come on. You’re alright, open your eyes.”

His eyelids flutter open and he whispers, “Hi.”

You don’t realize you’re crying until you see your tears land on his jacket, mixing with the blood there. “You’re okay, you’re gonna walk out of this.”

He reaches up and places his hand on top of yours. “I need you to know that I love you.”

You try to smile through your tears, “I know, but-“

You cut yourself off when you feel him take a shuddering breath, his eyes fluttering closed immediately after. “Bucky?” You shake him lightly. “Bucky, come on! Open your eyes!”

You collapse on top of him, sobs wracking your body, the thundering of boots growing closer. You turn as they reach the door, hand still gripping Bucky’s jacket, tears running down your face. The last thing you see before you close your eyes is an army of Hydra agents aiming their guns at you.

_There’s no comfort in lost love._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, I know!!! I love writing angst, I"M SORRY! Tell me how much you hate me in the comments, I can take it


	3. Addicted to You, pt iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Sometimes love doesn’t stay sweet.
> 
> Warnings: Mild cursing, mentions of blood and injuries, mentions of getting sick, death, mild smut, angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last part is here!!! I’m so glad you guys have enjoyed this story, and I hope you’ll enjoy the last part! Please let me know what you think!!!

You open your eyes in surprise when the bullets tear through your body and out the other side. The pain spreads throughout your chest and stomach, lighting a fire within you. As you fall backwards, head landing on Bucky’s chest, a glimpse of red and gold catches your eye. Your head lulls to the side, body already growing weak from the blood loss. As you slip into unconsciousness, one last thought crosses your mind:  _Bucky._

*

You dash up the stairs, a stack of mission files piled under your arm. A quick glance at your watch indicates that you aren’t just late, you are  _very_  late. You finally make it to your floor, your feet carrying you down the hall and to the meeting room. You burst into the room, breathless, cheeks tinged with pink, hair a little wild. Everyone inside looks up at you, distracted from the information Steve is sharing with the group.

You pass out the file folders, fingers brushing the last man’s hand, causing you to make eye contact. Your breath stutters in your throat when your eyes meet his blue ones, and he offers you a soft smile. You smile back before taking a seat in the back, away from the eyes of the group, but still in the line of sight of the mystery man.

The rest of the meeting is a blur, passing quickly from stolen glances and shy smiles. Before you know it, everyone is standing and packing up. You gather your things and walk over to Steve, sheepish. “I am  _so_ sorry that I was late today.”

Steve offers you an easy smile, “Hey, it’s no problem. Everyone is late sometimes.”

A voice chimes in from the other side of the room, “You never are.”

Steve smiles in response, and you stand there awkwardly, glancing at the mystery man. Steve takes notice, “Oh, have you met Bucky?”

You shake your head and Bucky walks over to you and Steve, giving you a bright smile. “This is my best friend, Bucky. He recently decided to get back into missions.”

Steve gestures to you and tells Bucky your name. “She works pretty close with us for missions. Usually collects all the data and intel, helps us coordinate the mission. She also joins us on missions pretty often, mostly deals with the tech stuff.”

You and Bucky exchange smiles and a handshake, and Steve checks his watch before bumping Bucky on the shoulder. “We gotta go, Nat’s expecting us.”

Bucky offers you another bright smile and mutters, “Nice to meet you.”

*

A hand on your face. Warm. Familiar. The fingers tap lightly on your cheek. “Hey, hey, hey, stay with me now.”

You know that voice, but your thoughts are fuzzy. You channel all your strength into lifting your eyelids, blinking against the light. Blue eyes swim in your vision, a soft smile right below them. “There she is. Hang in there.”

Your eyelids droop, then close again, the weight to hold them open too heavy. You hear him call your name one more time before you pass out again.

*

You hold Bucky’s hand tightly in yours, and you turn to look at him as you guide him behind you. His eyes are squeezed tightly shut, and you giggle at his scrunched up expression. He smiles at you in return and you remind him, “No peeking.”

His grin widens, and he nods, “I know, I know.”

You lead him to the end of the path before turning and taking a lesser known path. Bucky’s hold on your hand is steady and firm, and you’re hit with emotion when you realize how much he must trust you to allow you to lead him somewhere blindly. You finally reach your destination, and you drop his hand to stand beside him. You whisper, “Okay, open.”

Bucky opens his eyes to take in the lake in front of him, the water smooth and glassy, undisturbed. You see him smile at the fiery trees around the lake, the leaves bursting with reds, oranges, and yellows. He turns to you with a smile that threatens to split his face. “It’s beautiful.”

“A beautiful scene for a beautiful man.”

Bucky bumps you with his shoulder. “Oh stop, you’re making me blush.”

You look up at him to see the pink tint blushing his cheeks, and the sight of it brings a smile to your face. Bucky turns to face you, his hands reaching to your side to thread your fingers together. You look up at him to find him watching you intently, and you take in a sharp breath when he leans down to you. His lips meet yours softly, and you’re struck with the tenderness of your first kiss with Bucky.

He pulls back and you both share matching grins, goofy with affection. Bucky whispers, “You’re gonna be the death of me, I know it.”

*

The fire wakes you up again, and now it’s spreading. Every nerve ending in your body was alive, searing. 

You realize you’re moving. Head held against someone’s chest, the motion of their steps jostling you. Burning you. You turn your head to the side and vomit, but the release does nothing to ease the pain.

“Guys, she just threw up. Are you ready for us in the jet?”

You weakly lift a hand and press it to your burning stomach and chest, hoping you can push the fire out of you. You lift your hand to find it coated in fresh blood.

“Shit, she’s bleeding again. This is bad.”

And then the blackness takes you.

*

You run down the hall towards the rooms of the Compound, Steve’s voice echoing in your head. “He’s back and he asked for you.”

You reach his door and stand there for a minute, trying to catch your breath before you push it open. You burst into Bucky’s room and before you finish scanning it, a hand grabs you and pushes you against the wall before a pair of lips crash onto yours. You pull away a moment later, breathless, and Bucky’s lips brush yours as he whispers, “I missed you.”

You smile against his lips, dizzy with building desire as you whisper back, “Show me how much.”

Bucky kisses you again and he grabs your legs and wraps them around his waist. You moan as his hand climbs up your body before it settles at the base of your throat. He squeezes lightly as he kisses you, the gesture cutting off more air and making you dizzier. You start to push your hips closer to him, chasing friction. Bucky pulls away from the wall, backing up until his knees hit the bed, and he lowers himself onto his back, pulling you on top of him.

You blindly pull the layers of his uniform from his body, and he reaches down between you to tug your shirt up and over your head. Your mouths connect again as Bucky reaches down between you again, pushing your clothes to the side for better access. You let out a moan before grabbing him, both of you panting and moaning into each other’s mouths. He pushes your hand away when he gets close, whispering, “Not yet.”

You nod and hover above him, making eye contact as you settle onto him, both of you letting out a satisfied sound. Bucky’s eyes never leave yours as you chase your high and lead him to his, his expression fixed into one of pure pleasure. Bucky tumbles over the edge first, and you follow seconds behind him.

You finish with a silent scream.

*

You wake up screaming.

The pain in your body has doubled. Tripled. Climbed off the charts.

You didn’t think that was possible. But your screams drown out Steve’s voice trying to calm you. They drown out Bruce’s voice. Tony’s. Wanda’s. Sam’s. Nat’s.

There is only one voice that can calm you now.

*

You stand in the middle of the room, looking down at the bodies of the Shield agents, all killed in cold blood. You turn to the side and throw up, stomach still churning as you back out of the room like a frightened animal. You run back to the Quinjet in a daze, and you wave off Natasha’s concerns as you board the jet, quietly muttering for her to go.

You land back at the Compound and stumble back to your room, the shock of the mission still dulling your senses. You don’t even bother seeking out Bucky. Instead, you crawl into bed and curl into a ball, the tears coming as soon as you get comfortable. The sobs shake your body as you mourn for the agents, allowing the guilt of your actions to swallow you whole.

You don’t know how much time passes before you feel the bed dip behind you, a strong set of arms wrapping around you and pulling you towards him. You continue to cry until there is nothing left, your sobs quieting down to a soft whimper. Bucky adjusts you in his arms when you start to go quiet, turning you to face him. He reaches up and brushes the tears from your cheeks before he whispers, “It’s not your fault.”

You shake your head and croak, “I was too late.”

He places a finger under your chin and tips your head up, forcing you to make eye contact with him. He is insistent when he repeats, “It is not your fault.”

Your lip quivers and you duck your head again, and he whispers, “I don’t know if this is the right time, but I need you to know this. I love you.”

You snap your head up and meet his eyes again, a soft smile tugging at your lips. “I love you too.”

*

“God damn it!” You hear something hit the ground, thrown out of frustration. “I gave them bad intel. I got her shot. I got Bucky-“

“Steve, stop. Getting angry won’t change anything.” You turn your head and see Natasha place a comforting hand on Steve’s arm. He shrugs her off.

Tony interjects from the row of seats opposite you, “I don’t know. Getting angry and killing every Hydra bastard in a five mile radius felt pretty good.” Sam hums in agreement.

Nat’s tone is a warning. “Tony-“

“No! No. I don’t want to hear anything logical right now, Romanoff. This is our team. Our family.”

Wanda’s whisper comes from behind you, “This will destroy her.”

_What will?_

*

You look at Bucky with a blank expression, trying to swallow the lump of emotion in your chest. “What do you mean ‘you can’t be in a relationship’?”

Bucky huffs out a sigh and runs a hand through his hair. “I mean that I’m not cut out for this. The domesticated mornings where we wake up and drink coffee together while we read the newspaper. Eating dinner out. Telling you how I feel. Discussing our dreams, plans for the future. I can’t do that.” He gestures between you. “I can’t do this.”

And just like every other time you fight with Bucky, anger boils over into your blood. “You can’t do this? You’ve been doing it for almost two years, Bucky! What the hell changed?”

He shrugs but says nothing. His silence fuels your anger. “No! You don’t get to just decide that you can’t do this and then shut me out. That’s not how this works. Talk to me!”

He remains quiet, eyes looking everywhere but yours. You slam your hand on the wall beside you and yell, “Fine! Consider us done.” Before brushing past him and storming from his room.

*

The steady beeps are the first thing you hear.

You stay still, breathing, trying to take inventory of your body. There’s no pain, not now. But, you can feel the phantom pain from memories past, lingering. Your hand is heavy, so you wiggle your fingers. You get a light squeeze in reply.

You pull your eyes open, and it’s easier this time, but it’s brighter. You blink, waiting for the world to focus around you. You can make out the boring beige ceiling tiles, and walls to match. A few chairs, all empty. Your bed, and

_Bucky?_

“There’s my girl.”

The nickname splits your face into a grin. “Hi, Buck.”

“You’ve been out a while. I was getting worried.”

You offer him a apologetic smile. “Have I? I’m sorry.”

He leans forward, presses a kiss to your cheek. “Don’t be. How are you feeling?”

“Better. No pain.”

He gives you his prettiest smile. “Good.”

You scoot over, making room for him to join you on the bed. He climbs in, careful of all your tubes and wires, pulling you close to him. You snuggle into his chest. Content. Happy. “You should get some rest, I’ll be here when you-

*

“Wake up.”

You groan, forcing your eyes open, squinting at Nat in the afternoon light. You mutter, “What are you doing here?”

She plops down onto the bed beside you. “You moved out of the Compound. I never see you anymore.”

You sigh and rub the sleep from your eyes. “Yeah, I just…it was getting hard seeing Bucky every day.”

“He moved out too. Said he needed some space.”

You hum in acknowledgement but offer nothing. Natasha grabs your arm and tugs you forward. “It’s been months. You have to get out. Move on.”

You stare at her with a blank expression, and she stands and moves to your closet. “Come on, we’re going out tonight. Wanda found a new club in Soho.”

“Fine, but only because I know there’s no getting out of this.”

*

The beeping is back and it’s driving you mad.

You open your eyes slowly, blinking against the bright light again. The chairs in the room are empty, save for one. You smile at the blond, his eyes closed, head leaned back against the chair, breathing soft and steady. You watch him for a second, feeling guilty about wanting to wake him up, because you know how much he has to carry. The burden of Atlas, stuck with the world.

“Steve?”

He wakes immediately, eyes shooting open and face softening into a small smile. “Hey there. I was starting to think you were gonna sleep forever.”

You laugh, and the motion causes pain to light up in your body, making you wince. Guilt crosses Steve’s features and you whisper, “What happened?”

“You went on a mission with Bucky to retrieve high level intel. It was in a castle full of Hydra agents.” You nod, remembering. “From what we can gather, you and Buck got separated. You on one side, him on the other. It shouldn’t have mattered, because no one was expecting you guys. Or so we thought.”

You look at him in confusion, and he continues, “Our intel was bad. Hydra found out we were listening, set us up to be slaughtered. They thought the whole team was coming to the mission. They didn’t realize it’d just be you and Bucky. But when they figured it out, they didn’t care. They came for you both anyways. Only reason you’re still alive is because Parker realized that they knew, and we came flying over ASAP. Found ya with 4 bullets in your body, stomach, arm, chest.”

“Oh. Well, I’ll have to thank Peter then. For saving my life.”

Steve nods. “He was here earlier. Whole team was. They left about an hour ago.”

“Where’s Bucky?”

Steve freezes, not expecting the question. “What?”

You smile, oblivious to Steve’s discomfort. “Where’s Bucky? I want to see him.”

“Bucky is…Bucky’s dead.” You stare at him blankly. “I’m sorry, I thought you knew.”

You laugh, thinking he’s joking, but the laugh dies in your throat when you see his expression. And for the first time that day, you look at Steve.  _Really_  look at him. His eyes are red and raw. Bloodshot, puffy. There are bags beneath them that are so large they brush his cheekbones. He seems skinnier. Pale. Haunted. Your mouth runs dry, and you struggle to swallow the lump in your throat. “He can’t be dead. I saw him! He was here!”

Steve simply shakes his head, and you ask, “How?”

“We think he distracted the agents from you, fighting them by himself. They shot and killed him.”

Anger bubbles up within you, and this is a burn that you welcome. You start to yell, “Why didn’t you help him, huh?” You start yanking tubes and wires from your body, and alarms start sounding all around you. You ignore them, as Steve stands and comes towards you in panic. When he gets close enough, you start to flail and punch, hitting him with what little strength you have. “Why didn’t you help him! You sent us to die!”

Steve is crying, tears falling down his cheeks as he allows you to punch and hit him. You scream out, “You left him to die!” and collapse onto his chest with a painful sob. He wraps his arms around you, muttering, over and over again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

When your sobs grow quiet, Steve whispers, “We’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay.”

You stare at a spot on the wall behind him and deadpan, “Oh Steve, don’t you know? There’s no comfort in lost love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what did you think???? do you hate me??? love me???? let me know!  
> also, come visit me on tumblr (fangirlfiction.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you thought! I'd love to talk to you guys!


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